Los Boxeadores

The weather has changed very nicely, and it was summer-y today in this city called Montevideo, Uruguay. After being stuck on the ship for six days I was ready for an aimless stroll to Anywhere.

The first “Anywhere” turned out to be a boxing gym. I just turned a corner, and there it was, with the front door open and activity inside. In my whole life I’d never seen the inside of -- or even the outside of -- a boxing gym. This despite being a fan of the sport since the first Liston-Patterson fight, which was during the Kennedy Administration.

I walked in, very tourist-like, camera in hand, and the proprietor had no problem with -- actually encouraged -- me taking photos of this place, which was somehow affiliated with the “Asociacion de Boxeadores del Uruguay”.

All these young kids were exercising, hitting the punching bags, etc.-- nobody did any actual fighting in the ring while I was there. However one of the teachers got in the ring and did what looked like his own personal workout. He looked 65 years old but boy could he move. He was shuffling, bobbing and weaving, spinning, battling an imaginary opponent, looking very fit. After this routine he went on to do a series of calisthenics before dealing with the students.

In boxing films the gym is always located in some lousy section of town, and this gym followed that rule very nicely. The area within walking distance of the ship is mostly urban decay. Perhaps the “sweet science” is most likely to be studied by a) people who frequently have to defend themselves in a dangerous place and b) people whose best chance for fame and fortune might be through the ring.Perhaps the most famous fight photo of all time -- Mohammed Ali standing over the fallen Sonny Liston -- is the centerpiece of an otherwise all-South-American boxing photo display. Maybe Ali really WAS The Greatest.

Steaks of Magellan

Way far down at the southern tip of South America there are two places claiming to be the “southernmost city in the world”. Of the two, Ushuaia, Argentina is further south, but is arguably not a “city”, with its population of only 10,000. The other place - Punta Arenas, Chile -- has 150,000 people, not only legitimately a city, but located on the legendary Straits of Magellan.

Legendary to some people anyway. After Christopher Columbus bumped into America in 1492, he thought he’d reached India, and even referred to the locals as “Indians”. It was one of the great misnomers of all time, but it resulted in a pretty decent baseball team in Cleveland.

Ferdinand Magellan came along a few decades later and finished the job of “circumnavigating” the world and proving it was round. To do this he had to get past those pesky Americas, sailing around this far southern tip through the straits that forever bear his name.

He then crossed the Pacific to Asia, where he and his men got into an ill-fated armed conflict with some cannibalistic locals in the East Indies. Magellan himself became a victory dinner, and about a dozen of his men managed to escape back to the ship and do the triumphant return to Spain.

Punta Arenas, Chile, did pretty well as a provision stop for European ships over the centuries, but this came to an abrupt halt when the Panama Canal opened in 1908. The city has found other ways to thrive, for instance charging cruise ship visitors a fee to visit their penguin preserve.

There was a crew excursion on November 24, each crew person chipping in $30 to go see penguins. Apparently many people are interested in penguins, since a second bus had to be chartered to accommodate everybody. It was a beautiful day, and the surrounding scenery was beautiful. However this particular species was the “Magellanic” penguin (ol’ Ferdinand got so much stuff named after him!) -- a rather short penguin, about the size of a fat bowling pin, a bit disappointing.

3 pins left standing

outskirts of Punta Arenas, Chile

Onward to that other “city” the next day - Ushuaia, Argentina. The ship had great difficulty docking, with the strong winds and choppy harbor waters, and finally tied down about two hours late. The nasty wind and cold was at its worst in this harbor, but viewed from the 12th deck it was one really photogenic town. The Andes Mountains, running the entire 4,400-mile length of South America from Columbia on down, finish up dramatically around here.

Ushuaia, Argentina

Today has been very weird. All day long today we’ve been riding through some of most turbulent waters on the planet, just below the absolute southern tip, an area called Cape Horn. Walking around the ship is pretty dicey for the many elderly folks. It’s actually a good time to catch up on sleep. The rocking effect is a “rockabye baby” thing, good for insomniacs, or for people who don’t want to struggle with walking anywhere. I expect it’ll be rather quiet in the piano bar tonight, and I hope the piano is bolted down.

Panama Hat

"He wore tan shoes and pink shoelaces
A polka-dot vest and man-o-man
Tan shoes and pink shoelaces
And a big Panama with a purple hat band"

Was this guy trying to attract a woman or a man? One would wonder nowadays, but back in 19- fifty-whatever it was a woman (“Dodie Stevens”) (THE Dodie Stevens) who sang this ditty, quite smitten by this dandy dresser. I didn’t know what a “panama” was at the time, and I never got around to asking what the word meant.

Somewhere during the ensuing years I came to understand that a Panama hat was light-colored hat worn -- and manufactured right? - - in Panama.

Not so fast Carlos. Recently in a place called Manta, Ecuador I got a quick education in Panama hats. The first thing one needs to know is that Panama hats…..

…..are not made in Panama. It’s a classic misnomer. These hats have always been made in Ecuador, especially in the city of Manta in recent decades. I’m told they’re made from a unique fiber derived from the “plaited leaves of the toquilla straw plant” in Ecuador. However, the hats were in big demand by Americans involved in the Panama Canal project in the early 20th century, thus the mis-naming of the hat.

The ship visited Manta recently, and everybody was encouraged to go to the shops and factories where the hats were made. I found myself at a small local place, where an old woman could be seen weaving the hat.

I guess I fancied myself at the piano with a tropical linen jacket and Panama Hat, so I made a purchase. The front of the hatbox had a photo of Elvira Lopez, the very woman who was weaving that day. A bi-lingual crew colleague chatted with her and established that she’d been weaving hats since age 15, and it’s been her life. I got her autograph on the box, and display it in my cabin.Elvira Lopez

.......and her photo & autograph on the box

The hat is back in the box, and may stay there for a while. I haven’t gotten the linen jacket yet, and I’m sure there’s none for sale around here. As I write this entry, the ship is in Southern Chile and all 1800 of us are freezing our buns off and taking photos of glaciers and snow-capped mountains. Panama hat, yeah right.

But I hear the temperatures are above 80 degrees in Rio. Back and forth between hot and cold areas, from Panama hat to woolen hat, for the next few months.

King Neptune

Yesterday for the second time I witnessed a silly poolside show, staged by the cruise director and many employees. The show is called the King Neptune ceremony, and it happens when a cruise ship crosses the equator. Supposedly evolved from old seafaring tradition, it is a standard amusement on Holland America ships, and I would imagine all cruise ships.

Neptune was the Roman god of the seas. The Greek version was Poseidon, a word which, along with the word Titanic, is not to be uttered out here. Anyway, Neptune is an ornery old god who can cause a ton of trouble if he is displeased. The ceremony is designed to stroke the old guy and keep the ship floating.

The cruise director enters the poolside area, dressed as King Neptune, with crown, robe, and a pitchfork-like thing called a Trident. (I’d love to know what this pitchfork thing has to do with chewing gum)

“Captive convicts” -- accused of some really silly cruise ship crimes, are huddled in a holding area, and then ushered one-by-one into the presence of the King, who pronounces guilt and punishment.

Next, the entire poolside audience of 700+ people are encouraged to chant “KISS THE FISH”. A huge 90 lb tuna is provided for the prisoners to kiss, while the camcorders whirr and the cameras click.

The second part of the punishment is far more disgusting and memorable. Large pails are stationed along poolside, full of a beige-colored glop provided by the kitchen. Employees dressed as pirates ladle out the glop and dump it all over the prisoners, while everybody goes “ewwwww….” and snaps further pictures. The accused are finally tossed in the pool, the King is placated, the ship is safe, the crowd disperses.

The prisoners await judgment

King Neptune, with Trident and wife

The prisoners are glopped

Later on I chatted with George Kowalski, easily the most traveled cruise ship musician I’ve ever met. He says he’s been witness to, or somewhere onboard nearby, 72 King Neptune ceremonies over the past 40+ years.

One of George’s interesting tidbits is that he’s the nephew of “Killer Kowalski”, a wrestler from the pre-Hulk Hogan days, who I saw on black-and-white TV in the early 60s, along with Haystacks Calhoun, Skull Murphy, Bruno Sammartino, etc etc…… parents wouldn’t tolerate me watching that stupidity on TV (to their credit I must finally admit), but I was able to sneak in some wrestling watching sometimes when……

…….I digress. George Kowalski claims that three years ago he was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest steadily employed bandleader in the cruise ship world. He’s a drummer, presently leading his dance trio, quite appropriately called the Nep-tunes. A pretty cute musical pun which I bet he’s copyrighted.

George is Polish, as are his two sidemen, all of them looking 65-70 years old, actually a striking change from the younger-looking Filipino groups who usually work the Ocean Bar gig with its mandatory chachas, waltzes, and foxtrots.

Like myself, the Nep-tunes just started a 6-month contract, as did the four Hungarian girls playing string quartet music 5 hours a night in the Explorer’s Lounge. This is quite a grind for a classical group that just broke in a new violinist, and is probably already tired of the old repertoire. During the day they muster up extra energy to rehearse new material. I guess their playing skills are very good right now, but they don’t smile much.

In the meantime Piano Man Steve (PMS for short?) enjoys the spontaneity and variety of repertoire that comes with this odd niche in the universe of musical performance, and smiles quite frequently.

Deck Chair Man

The Walkaround Track on Deck 6 is a longtime friend of mine, an ally in the battle for weight control and better health. It runs the length of one side of the ship, crosses over and runs back the length of the other side of the ship, before crossing again and reaching the starting point in a ¼ mile lap. Lately I’m doing about 12 laps.

It looks like the classic public deck of a cruise ship, about eleven feet wide, with the railing and ocean on the right, while on the left is the wall with entrances to the interior. Also on the left is over 160 deck chairs, neatly lined up and facing the out to the sea. These deck chairs invite loads of people to mill about in a very unhurried way, so it’s frequently impossible to do any brisk walking in the afternoon, and the best exercise walk can be done early evening.

Due to my rather late 9PM gig start, I’ve gotten into a 7 to 8PM walking habit. It works out great because all of the passengers are inside dining at this time. Nobody slowing me down. At this particular week and latitude it’s dark by 7PM, so the walk takes on a nice meditative quality, looking out over the railing at the pitch black, all alone, except for……

…….the Deck Chair Man. Apparently the deck chair cushions have to be put away at night, and this young filipino presently has the gig. But to hear this guy sing, you’d think he’s got another gig with a filipino punk band.

You can see his Ipod earplug, as he listens to god-knows-what music. But he really wails it out to the open sea, night after night between 7 and 8PM, with no one to bother.

Every 4 minutes or so I walk by him, as he removes cushions from the deck chairs, piles them onto a big cart, and hauls them over to storage bins at the far end. His movement seems slow and deliberate, as if to milk as much time as possible from this job out in the fresh open air.

I’ve never said hello or even made eye contact with the Deck Chair Man. He clearly doesn’t want eye contact or hello. In a 12-hour workday chock full of Good Morning Sir and Can I Help You Sir, this is his hour-long reprieve, where he can sing his ass off without being a bother to passengers or fellow crew, here on this tightly-packed floating hotel.

Around 8PM the ambience changes. Passengers start coming out to Deck 6 for after-dinner cigarettes, looking over the railing. By this time the Deck Chair Man is winding up his work, singing his last tune of the night, while my pace and meditative groove are stopped by old couples out for a romantic after-dinner stroll. The nerve of them.

OK OK I know I don’t own Deck 6, and all is well. I’ve had my quiet hour, and the Deck Chair Man has had his noisy hour. We’ll both be back tomorrow night at 7PM, blissfully ignoring each other.

Cruise Ship Jobs

Approximately 560 people are employed on the Veendam, attending to the needs of almost 1200 passengers, a typical 1:2 ratio. The following is an official list of "ship functions". Most are self-explanatory, while some are a complete mystery to me.

Approximately 560 people are employed on the Veendam, attending to the needs of almost 1200 passengers, a typical 1:2 ratio. The following is an official listing of “ship functions”

1 - Clerk JR IS (1)
2 - Clerk JR CMHO
3 - Clerk JR HR
These guys serve crew needs, and are always Filipino

4 - Printer
5 - Guest Relations ATTD (5 or 6 pretty Filipino girls working at front desk)
6 - Guest Relations Supervisr
7 - Telephone Concierge
8 - GUEST Relations Mgr
9 - Hotel Manager (super-important 4-stripe officer)
10 - Purser
11 - Human Resources Officer
12 - Information Svcs Officer
13 - Controller
14 - training and development
15 - crew pursar
16 - Shorex (i. e. Shore Excursions) Mgr -- important person -- major revenue source
17 - Asst ShorexMgr
18 - Future Cruise Consultant
19 - Dining Room staff (many of these guys)
20 - AYWD Host (???)
21 - Restaurant Buffet Steward (many of these guys)
22 - Asst Steward (many of these guys)
23 - GPA (General Purpose Asst) Food & Beverage - many of these guys
24 - PG steward (???)
25 - Room Service Steward (many of these guys)
26 - Dining Room Mgr
27 - Mgr Culinary Operations
28 - Asst Mgr Culinary Ops
29 - Lido (Buffet) Mgr
30 - Pinnacle Restaurant Mgr
31 - Asst Storekeeper
32 - GPA Stores (???)
33 - Asst Cook
34 - Asst Butcher
35 - Asst Baker
36 - GPA Pantry
37 - Foreman SA (???)
36 - GPA SA (???)
37 - Chief Steward
38 - Chef de Partie (???)
39 - Chef de Partie ADR (???)
40 - D/C de Partie (???)
41 - Executive Chef (real tall hat)
42 - Alt D/R chef
43 - Sous Chef
44 - 2nd executive chef (hat a couple of inches shorter)
45 - Baker
44 - Patissier
45 - Provision Master
46 - Lifestylist
47 - Youth Program Cordinator
48 - Techspert
49 - Travel Guide
50 - Event Manager
51 - Youth Staff (basically babysitters, and not very numerous on Holland America)
52 - Broadcst Tech, Asst Broadcast Tech
53 - Cruise Director
54 - Stage Manager
55 - Cast members (recently reduced to 5 singers & 2 dancers on Veendam)
56 - DJ / Emcee
57 - Pianist (actually “Pianoman” -- my job)
58 - Musicians (presently 6 musicians + female singer in “HALcats band”, 3-piece ballroom dance trio, and 4-piece string quartet
59 - Bandleader (for HALcats band)
60 - Solo Guitar (singer/guitarist Matt Murphy plays from 5 to 9 in same area as me, preceding me)
61 - Sound Technician, Light Technician
62 - Party Planner
63 - Librarian
64 - Captain Steward, Lead Cabin Steward
65 - Cabin Inspector
66 - Cabin Steward (50 of these, all Polynesian)
67 - GPA laundry
68 - Tailor, Tailor Sr
69 - Laundry Master
70 - Chief Housekeeper, Asst Housekeeper
71 - Florist
72 - GPA messroom, GPA crewbars (many of these guys)
73 - Personnel Cook, Asst Personnel Cook
74 - Barman, Beverage Att, Wine Att (many if these, all Filipino)
75 - Head Deck Steward
76 - Foreman Engine\
77 - Fireman / Greaser
78 - Wiper (????????????????????)
79 - Lampoonist (???)
80 - Trav. Machinist. Machinist, Machinist Sr (probably a bunch of these)
81 - Plumber, Sr Plumber
82 - Day Svc Technician
83 - Elec Technician
84 - Ref. Technician
85 - Sec.Svc Technician
86 - Engine Mechanic
(quite a few people employed at 82 thru 86)
87- Lifeboat attendant
88 - Chief Engineer (4-stripe officer)
89 - 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th engineers
90 - chief, 2nd & 3rd electricians
91 - Cadet Engineers
92 - Safety Maint Mgr
93 - Facilities Mgr. Asst Facilities Mgr
94 - Environmental Officer
95 - IT Officer
96 - Foreman of Waste Handling
97 - Waste Handlers
98 - Carpenter, Sr Carpenter
99 - Upholsterer, Sr Upholsterer
100 - Locksmith, Sr Locksmith
101 - Tilesetter
102 - Boatswain, Asst Boatswain
103 - Storekeeper
104 - Quartermaster
105 - Sailors
106 - Boatmen
107 - Master (absolute Head Honcho, the “Master of the Vessel”
108 - Chief Officer (4-stripe officer)
109 - 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th officers
110 - Security Officers
111 - Cadet Officers
112 - Security Supervisor
113 - Security Guard
114 - Ship Ops Clerk
115 - Physician, Lead Medical Officer, Med Officers, Crew Physician
116 - Acupuncturist
117 - Art Director
118 - Casino Mgr, Casino Techician
119 - Casino Dealers and Supervisors
120 - Casino Cashiers
121 - Shop Mgr
122 - Shop Staff
123 - Salon Mgr
124 - Fitness Coordinator
125 - Beautician, Hairdressers, Masseuse, Image Creator,
126 - Internet Café Mgr
127 - Port Shopping Ambassador

School Days

It’s come to my attention this past year that it’s possible to take college courses on computer, for full credit toward a degree, without ever walking into a classroom. Extra self-discipline is required, along with realistic time budgeting. These cybercourses provide built-in deadlines for taking the online quizzes and exams, since the student is expected to complete the course in the same timeframe as normal classroom students.

Although I’d love to hang out at my computer, pursuing advanced degrees in astronomy, psychology, environmental biology, history, philosophy, political science, medicine, law, business, theology, and nuclear waste disposal, I suspect I might delude myself and take on too much, flunking and dropping courses left and right.

This is my sixth ship contract since June 2006, and previously there was always a bunch of seminars and classes for me to attend in the first few weeks. However this time there’s no classes, no officers strutting back and forth, laying down the law.

Instead I go to a room full of computers, log in, and the info is given in “modules”, with occasional quizzes along the way to see if I’ve been paying attention. There is a final test (“assessment”) which is taken without any access to the previously presented info. One really has to learn the stuff, or at least take good notes, or else get a failing grade and have to repeat the 2-hour course. If you pass, you can print out a cute little Completion Certificate.

And I think this really works better than the old seminars and classes, which were flawed. With all due respect to the officers and their expertise, many of them were lousy teachers, with thick accents from all over the planet, dealing with English-as-a-second-language people from all over the planet, who were not likely to raise their hand saying “could you please repeat that?”

And so you miss certain points. Also you learn things, then forget them. For three years now there’s a pattern of learning, then forgetting. And then a new bunch of classes at the beginning of the next contract, so there’s a re-learning. Then a re-forgetting.



On the other hand, these ship computer courses allow one to go as slowly as necessary to retain the important stuff, cursoring back to re-read something if needed, either out of pure interest, or out of pure desire not to flunk the assessment at the end. So I know when to use a CO2 fire extinguisher, when to use a powder extinguisher, the contents of a lifeboat, three types of emergency ship doors, what to do if someone falls overboard or keels over in front of me, how to deal with passengers, the explosive danger of salon nail polish, what color barrel to throw a beer bottle in……

……ah yes, the environmental stuff. A few years ago I read a book called “Cruise Ship Blues”, in which the author describes the dumping of a kajillion tons of ship garbage into the sea every day. This book may be way out-of-date now, or Holland America would have us believe so. Holland America has to observe stringent regulations (international, national, local, and within the industry itself) for treating, burning, and dumping the incredible amount of waste that cruise ships produce. Apparently this ship is following all these environmental regulations faithfully and happily. The Veendam is the Cleandam.

There was a particularly enjoyable course - the Antarctic Treaty course, mandatory for any crew person who is part of the two Antarctic visits that are fast approaching. It is relatively new for large cruise ships to be sailing in the pristine Antarctic waters, and the Environmental powers-that-be are making sure that nothing gets disturbed down there.

The ship is not going to actually land at Antarctica, and nobody will set foot on this “Lady in White” as the course so poetically put it. The ship will only cruise the nearby waters. But they’re worried about that occasional drunken idiot - crew or passenger - who might throw something overboard, like a Slurpee cup or a Frisbee. (punishable by lethal injection)

Just before I embarked, this ship did Mexico cruises for the previous 6 weeks, using San Diego as both a depart-and-return port. On Oct 31 it said byebye to San Diego, and is heading all the way down the Pacific side of Mexico, then Central America, then South America, all the way down to Cape Horn at the Southern tip. It will then work its way up the Atlantic side with Rio de Janeiro as the last stop. The whole trip is 35 days long, with Valparaiso Chile as the halfway point. Some people got on for the whole 35 days, others are getting off at Valparaiso.

After that it’s back&forth between Valparaiso and Rio for a few months, with a couple of detours down to the Lady in White.