King Neptune

Yesterday for the second time I witnessed a silly poolside show, staged by the cruise director and many employees. The show is called the King Neptune ceremony, and it happens when a cruise ship crosses the equator. Supposedly evolved from old seafaring tradition, it is a standard amusement on Holland America ships, and I would imagine all cruise ships.

Neptune was the Roman god of the seas. The Greek version was Poseidon, a word which, along with the word Titanic, is not to be uttered out here. Anyway, Neptune is an ornery old god who can cause a ton of trouble if he is displeased. The ceremony is designed to stroke the old guy and keep the ship floating.

The cruise director enters the poolside area, dressed as King Neptune, with crown, robe, and a pitchfork-like thing called a Trident. (I’d love to know what this pitchfork thing has to do with chewing gum)

“Captive convicts” -- accused of some really silly cruise ship crimes, are huddled in a holding area, and then ushered one-by-one into the presence of the King, who pronounces guilt and punishment.

Next, the entire poolside audience of 700+ people are encouraged to chant “KISS THE FISH”. A huge 90 lb tuna is provided for the prisoners to kiss, while the camcorders whirr and the cameras click.

The second part of the punishment is far more disgusting and memorable. Large pails are stationed along poolside, full of a beige-colored glop provided by the kitchen. Employees dressed as pirates ladle out the glop and dump it all over the prisoners, while everybody goes “ewwwww….” and snaps further pictures. The accused are finally tossed in the pool, the King is placated, the ship is safe, the crowd disperses.

The prisoners await judgment

King Neptune, with Trident and wife

The prisoners are glopped

Later on I chatted with George Kowalski, easily the most traveled cruise ship musician I’ve ever met. He says he’s been witness to, or somewhere onboard nearby, 72 King Neptune ceremonies over the past 40+ years.

One of George’s interesting tidbits is that he’s the nephew of “Killer Kowalski”, a wrestler from the pre-Hulk Hogan days, who I saw on black-and-white TV in the early 60s, along with Haystacks Calhoun, Skull Murphy, Bruno Sammartino, etc etc…… parents wouldn’t tolerate me watching that stupidity on TV (to their credit I must finally admit), but I was able to sneak in some wrestling watching sometimes when……

…….I digress. George Kowalski claims that three years ago he was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest steadily employed bandleader in the cruise ship world. He’s a drummer, presently leading his dance trio, quite appropriately called the Nep-tunes. A pretty cute musical pun which I bet he’s copyrighted.

George is Polish, as are his two sidemen, all of them looking 65-70 years old, actually a striking change from the younger-looking Filipino groups who usually work the Ocean Bar gig with its mandatory chachas, waltzes, and foxtrots.

Like myself, the Nep-tunes just started a 6-month contract, as did the four Hungarian girls playing string quartet music 5 hours a night in the Explorer’s Lounge. This is quite a grind for a classical group that just broke in a new violinist, and is probably already tired of the old repertoire. During the day they muster up extra energy to rehearse new material. I guess their playing skills are very good right now, but they don’t smile much.

In the meantime Piano Man Steve (PMS for short?) enjoys the spontaneity and variety of repertoire that comes with this odd niche in the universe of musical performance, and smiles quite frequently.